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Life and God's Will

I'm struggling.

I have been trying to find a job for a while now and it is quite a process. Mostly I feel depressed and don't want to get up and look. At the same time, I also feel very picky and only want to choose a job that will have potential. Again at the same time, I'm trying to decide on a career.

It's a lot of stress and I buckle under the weight. I feel like I'm running out of time, that if I don't decide soon, I'll have no more chances and no more potential.

I have a lead on a job but the application process is quite long, and at multiple points I'm given the opportunity to fail. I want to believe I can do it but most of it is out of my hands.

I'm struggling in my faith at the same time. I feel like I'm running to God to help me with my problems, which isn't wrong in and of itself but I feel like it's turning my focus away from worship and towards seeing God as a tool. The lines between wanting to do things according to His will and asking for things is becoming blurred. I give in less to temptation because I don't want to fall away from God and lose His favor, which is a totally unbiblical concept. But yet, I struggle with the blurred lines so much right now.

I feel I need to take a good hard look at what my faith is made out of. I do want to grow in my faith alongside my fellow brothers and sisters. I have made steps towards this growth. I had not concerned myself with job prospects so much until now, when I find this one thing I really want.

At the same time, I don't want this job to become an idol. Replacing God with my own merit. Enjoying the fruits without giving Him thanks. Looking at the job on how it may disrupt my current schedule for church and the like, and how much it might change things, I see that it has relatively minimal impact. It should be fine.

But maybe I should just not be so stressed about being in control of everything. To diligently work on what I can and leaving the rest to God, KNOWING FULL WELL that even if it doesn't work out, His name should be praised. Which is an entirely different area of growth. It might be because I'm making such huge decisions that cost a lot of time and money, I want to make sure I know what I'm getting into before I do anything. But this is the part where I do what I can do in my faith, to stay faithful and true, and taking comfort that nothing in this world is the be all end all.

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